I am a fighter!

I am laying here in my bed just thinking. Wide awake millions of things just flying through my mind. What I need to do tomorrow, what needs to be done for class, what can I do for PBL. Just tons of things. One of the major things going through my mind is sin weighing on my heart.

I am laying here awake thinking about all the terrible things I have done just in the past few days, yet I am fighting myself to ask for forgiveness. I am fighting the fact this needs to be done. Asking for forgiveness is a major part of being a Christian. Letting God into those long aisles of filing cabinets and asking for him to forgive me for all the bad things I have done and keep doing.

As I lay here in bed I am fighting the urge to get up and read my bible. I am just saying no, these feelings will pass and you will be fine. Here is the deal, I am not ok with this. I don’t understand why in the world I go back to the spot I am in. I always say I am sick of this on and off Christian that I am, but with out fail I go back to the fighting way. Fighting off good Christian friends, fighting off the bible, fighting off praying, going to church, listening to music. I fight off all of those people because I go back to the same old self.

This year I want this to be different. I don’t know how to do this. Do I have what it takes to fight off the urges to go back to this empty life that seems great. Can I fight off, the Chase that fights off everything? The right answer is no, God can. I am not talking about that I understand that he can but can I put my mind into a spot where this is actually going to happen or am I just going to fall into the mundane trap? I want to say no I will fight for the good, but will I really do this?

When push comes to shove I am pretty sick of fighting the wrong urges. I am sick of fighting the want to read my bible and I want the fight to battle sin. I guess this will only come with time. This will come with talking to people, talking to God, reading my bible. Understanding what the right mind set must be.

I guess here goes nothing time to fight for what needs to be fought for.

This is what is up!

I haven’t blogged for a long time but I have decided to put this out there for the whole world to read.  Why not you know?  To start this off the truth must come out.  The relationship with God and I hasn’t been the best lately.  Since about mid February I have been just going through life.  Nothing exciting, nothing to really live for.

I don’t blame this on anything, or anyone but myself.  When I feel like I am not going to do something, I am not going to do it.  Relationship with God, is a perfect example.   I felt that I didn’t want to or need to do anything to make the relationship keep going.  I pushed myself away from people that I cared for this to happen.  I surrounded my self with earthly things to make sure.  I pushed my small group away, I pushed my mentor away, I pushed one of my real good friends away because of the fact that I didn’t want to put the effort into this. 

            What sucks is the fact that I have been walking around campus with fake friendships, fake personality, just a fake me.  I am pretty sure not one ever figured it out because of the fact that no one ever asked.  Therefore, I succeeded in pushing God away, pushing people away, pushing anything to live fore and then filling it with negative and disgusting things.  Beer, work, chew, disgusting habits that I know that need to change. 

            Then one night after work just 3 days ago I finally decided to pick up God’s word.  The first time in how many months and I turned to Luke chapter 13.  Another precursor to this is that while I never said I don’t believe in  God or I hate Him or ever said no to him,  I always knew in the back of my mind that he is a powerful God, and I was scared so badly because of this.  Ok so I open up to Luke.

            This is what was the sub-title “Repent or Perish”.  I was shocked, fearful, excited, and strangely renewed.  Luke 13:6-9 “A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but didn’t find any.  So he said to the man, who took care of the vineyard.  For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any.  Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil? Sir the man replied leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it.  If it bears no fruit next year fine!  If not, then cut it down.  

            This is pretty monumental to me, because of the fact that I have been a “Christian”. If I had to asses me, I feel that the fruit that I have produced has been little to none.  HELLO WAKE UP CALL!  I feel that this is where I need to step up.  I don’t know how or where, but the fact that I need to is huge.  This is not all I keep reading and this is the same chapter that Jesus says about the fact that the door is slim.  It is small and some of you that you feel have made it through the door will be standing out side looking in.  HELLO AGAIN!  Look at me saying I am a Christ lover, but not reading, not talking to him, not showing who I really am!  How in the world do I think I am in?  Where do I get off saying I am in when I haven’t shown the true me, for a very long time.

            The truth comes out.  I LOVE JESUS!  I am going to work harder, I am going to read more, talk to Jesus more!  I want people in my life again!  I want people to understand who I am!  I want the world to know that God has changed me.  Some ask how he has changed me, all I have to say is look at the person before camp and then look at me now after.  Seems to be like two different people to me.  Also, I want to indulge in conversations!  I want to discuss what HE has done for us.  HE sent his son to DIE for me, for you, for the kid starving on the street.  I yearn for something more!  JESUS I WANT YOU!

           

  

Play

Right in the beginning we see that they girl in the red hair doesn't know her steps.  In skid row we see jermey mess up on the words because he doesn't know the words.   We see many levels.  the main people are overpowering the singer in the first skid row song.

There is a major whole in his crotch!

Feelin' it!

Here is the deal...I am feeling something...and I am pretty sure it is big.  I mean big.

I am feeling that God is going to take off and use whatever I have for some reason.  I don't know yet, but I am pretty sure.  You know when you just feel this urge to go out and do something, well I have it.  I have it in ways where I have never felt before.

I want to go talk to people about Jesus and his awesome, great, amazingness we call grace.  I have a heart, that came out of the middle of no where, for camp again.  I just have this passion and want to go back...never thought I would have said that.  I just don't know what is going to happen and where.  Just watch out I guess is what I am saying.

I am still surprised I am alive!

This week has been hell!  There is no two ways about it.  I guess when looking at it first i didn't realize that it was going to be this difficult.  There was a take home test, round table discussion, work 38 hours, get ready for the PPST, sleep.  It has been the most stressful week ever!

I went to my mentoring meeting, I have that with the ever famous, Justin Raulston, he said something to me right before he left.  Don't forget to add Jesus in your stressful time it will be ok.  I thought to my self...I have to no time to sleep uhh when am i going to read.  Well today Al came over and read and for some reason it set a fire in my heart to grab the good word.  I am shocked really.  I never thought that I would want to read, but I do!  I love it!

Today we read that God should be feared as much as he is loved.  The thought of this comes to mind every once in a while, but I can never grasp the thought of a furious God. I just perceive him to be very forgiving and loving. I just forget that he does get pissed at his people, when they are not doing what they are suppose to be doing.  That thought is just crazy to me.  It makes me scared to think this, because how many times does a person say for get this.  I am just done... I wonder when God is like well that was the last time and I am going to be done with you.  Is that even possible?  I guess that is what scares me the most.  There have been times when I was like I don't know if I want to and then the opportunity passes me by.

I remember one time when I was like 8.  I wanted to go to work with my dad.  When the time came I just wanted to sleep.  He tried to get me to go like 3 times, but I just wanted to sleep.  Then I decided to go, but when I got up to see if he left I saw him getting in his car, and for the next 5 to 10 min I cried cuz I lost the opportunity, and at that time it was kind of a big deal to get that time.  I watch him drive away with tears rolling down my check.  Will God ever be my dad driving away to go to work?  Will he ever just say fine there it was your 5 billion chances.

All this came from ready 2 chapters out of the bible.  It is great to see God putting ideas into the world.  I guess I never want to have the last chance with God.  I am now realizing that I need to have a steady relationship.  So I ask all of you to join hands and encourage each other and know God more.

Venting, Questions, and might seem a little selfish complaining.

Here is the deal; I am at a point where I just don’t know what to feel.  I happy to have great friends, discouraged with school, frustrated with the fact that I don’t know what to do with my life, heartbroken with the fact I can’t seem to find steady ground with God and everyone else seems to have it all together. 

Why is it that I have one of these icky feelings about once a month?  What am I not doing right?  Why does it when I think about the relationships around me they feel like they are crumbling? I sit here, lay in bed, sit in class tossing these questions around, and they all come to one thing, I don’t love God like I should. 

I should be giving him every part of me, but for some reason I, the selfish part of me, wants to keep it and not give it away.  Is it because I feel good when I have this?  Is it because it is comfortable?  When I give it up it is going to be difficult?  But when I do let it go, my life will be a million times better, so why don’t I just let it go?  I don’t understand.

Getting into the word everyday seems to be more of a chore than an enjoyment.  Why is this?  Why don’t I EVER get satisfaction from this?  I try to get motivated I try to understand what He is trying to teach me but I never do.  I try to pray for want to read, but does it ever come?  NO!  Praying is another thing,  why does it seem to NEVER work?  If I feel that I put my heart in it and I don’t ever get an answer why should I put any effort into doing any of this?  If I am wanting Jesus to change me, then why isn’t it happening?  Why am I not seeing I?

Right now I feel more that I am a person that likes the people that are Christians, like the comfort of friendships in the Christian family, like the benefits of being a Christian, but for some reason when it comes to the work and realizations of something’s I back off.  What I am getting at here is sometimes I feel that I am not saved.  I might have said I believe in the wonderfulness of Jesus and might have been baptized, but am I really saved and going to see Jesus when I die? 

This really has bugged me today.  When I was at bible study, when I was hanging out with a good friend, when I didn’t want to read but knew that I should have.  I put everything in front of Jesus.  If I did tonight what is saying that he isn’t putting everything in front of me?   Why should he let me in?  Because of the fact that I have done deeds that is the key to letting me in?  I have spit, yelled, screwed Jesus over so many times is this next time the one time he finally says “ok well I am finally done with you?”   Does making me scared about this punch my ticket to heaven, the fact that I am scared that Jesus might not let me in enforce the fact that I believe and I get in, but what about ALL the times I have personally hammered the nails into his hands? 

I have worked at camp for two years and told kids all you have to do is ask for forgiveness and everything will be ok.  How can I say that and then not do it.  I feel that what I have on my chest is to big and to obnoxious for Jesus to handle and I will just do it on my own, but every time I do that I fail.  So why the hell do I keep doing this?  What is the catch?  How do I make this crap feeling go away?

How many times have I tried to explain these answers to people but I have never understood them?  I think it is pretty crazy that this is all happening.  What is so frustrating about this is I ask these question, and even if they are answered my heart doesn’t change.  I still have the holes and the questions and unknowing of all of this.  Why be Christian if it never seems to work for a person after two years?  People may say I have changed, but have i?  Have I really taken a step back and look at the person who I was and the person I am today and compared them?   What looks different?  It seems nothing just a glorified use to be me. 

Let me know what you think….give me the whole truth and don’t just think it be brutal…I can’t spell…

1st one, woot!

This is the first one of these so I just wanted to try this out!  People are getting things off there chest, getting things off their mind.  Here it is we are going to try and do this.  There will be more to come.  I am going to gather notes from camp and just get it out so people can see where growth was and see where work needs to be made. 

Peace out
Chase