Feelin' it!

Here is the deal...I am feeling something...and I am pretty sure it is big.  I mean big.

I am feeling that God is going to take off and use whatever I have for some reason.  I don't know yet, but I am pretty sure.  You know when you just feel this urge to go out and do something, well I have it.  I have it in ways where I have never felt before.

I want to go talk to people about Jesus and his awesome, great, amazingness we call grace.  I have a heart, that came out of the middle of no where, for camp again.  I just have this passion and want to go back...never thought I would have said that.  I just don't know what is going to happen and where.  Just watch out I guess is what I am saying.

I am still surprised I am alive!

This week has been hell!  There is no two ways about it.  I guess when looking at it first i didn't realize that it was going to be this difficult.  There was a take home test, round table discussion, work 38 hours, get ready for the PPST, sleep.  It has been the most stressful week ever!

I went to my mentoring meeting, I have that with the ever famous, Justin Raulston, he said something to me right before he left.  Don't forget to add Jesus in your stressful time it will be ok.  I thought to my self...I have to no time to sleep uhh when am i going to read.  Well today Al came over and read and for some reason it set a fire in my heart to grab the good word.  I am shocked really.  I never thought that I would want to read, but I do!  I love it!

Today we read that God should be feared as much as he is loved.  The thought of this comes to mind every once in a while, but I can never grasp the thought of a furious God. I just perceive him to be very forgiving and loving. I just forget that he does get pissed at his people, when they are not doing what they are suppose to be doing.  That thought is just crazy to me.  It makes me scared to think this, because how many times does a person say for get this.  I am just done... I wonder when God is like well that was the last time and I am going to be done with you.  Is that even possible?  I guess that is what scares me the most.  There have been times when I was like I don't know if I want to and then the opportunity passes me by.

I remember one time when I was like 8.  I wanted to go to work with my dad.  When the time came I just wanted to sleep.  He tried to get me to go like 3 times, but I just wanted to sleep.  Then I decided to go, but when I got up to see if he left I saw him getting in his car, and for the next 5 to 10 min I cried cuz I lost the opportunity, and at that time it was kind of a big deal to get that time.  I watch him drive away with tears rolling down my check.  Will God ever be my dad driving away to go to work?  Will he ever just say fine there it was your 5 billion chances.

All this came from ready 2 chapters out of the bible.  It is great to see God putting ideas into the world.  I guess I never want to have the last chance with God.  I am now realizing that I need to have a steady relationship.  So I ask all of you to join hands and encourage each other and know God more.

Venting, Questions, and might seem a little selfish complaining.

Here is the deal; I am at a point where I just don’t know what to feel.  I happy to have great friends, discouraged with school, frustrated with the fact that I don’t know what to do with my life, heartbroken with the fact I can’t seem to find steady ground with God and everyone else seems to have it all together. 

Why is it that I have one of these icky feelings about once a month?  What am I not doing right?  Why does it when I think about the relationships around me they feel like they are crumbling? I sit here, lay in bed, sit in class tossing these questions around, and they all come to one thing, I don’t love God like I should. 

I should be giving him every part of me, but for some reason I, the selfish part of me, wants to keep it and not give it away.  Is it because I feel good when I have this?  Is it because it is comfortable?  When I give it up it is going to be difficult?  But when I do let it go, my life will be a million times better, so why don’t I just let it go?  I don’t understand.

Getting into the word everyday seems to be more of a chore than an enjoyment.  Why is this?  Why don’t I EVER get satisfaction from this?  I try to get motivated I try to understand what He is trying to teach me but I never do.  I try to pray for want to read, but does it ever come?  NO!  Praying is another thing,  why does it seem to NEVER work?  If I feel that I put my heart in it and I don’t ever get an answer why should I put any effort into doing any of this?  If I am wanting Jesus to change me, then why isn’t it happening?  Why am I not seeing I?

Right now I feel more that I am a person that likes the people that are Christians, like the comfort of friendships in the Christian family, like the benefits of being a Christian, but for some reason when it comes to the work and realizations of something’s I back off.  What I am getting at here is sometimes I feel that I am not saved.  I might have said I believe in the wonderfulness of Jesus and might have been baptized, but am I really saved and going to see Jesus when I die? 

This really has bugged me today.  When I was at bible study, when I was hanging out with a good friend, when I didn’t want to read but knew that I should have.  I put everything in front of Jesus.  If I did tonight what is saying that he isn’t putting everything in front of me?   Why should he let me in?  Because of the fact that I have done deeds that is the key to letting me in?  I have spit, yelled, screwed Jesus over so many times is this next time the one time he finally says “ok well I am finally done with you?”   Does making me scared about this punch my ticket to heaven, the fact that I am scared that Jesus might not let me in enforce the fact that I believe and I get in, but what about ALL the times I have personally hammered the nails into his hands? 

I have worked at camp for two years and told kids all you have to do is ask for forgiveness and everything will be ok.  How can I say that and then not do it.  I feel that what I have on my chest is to big and to obnoxious for Jesus to handle and I will just do it on my own, but every time I do that I fail.  So why the hell do I keep doing this?  What is the catch?  How do I make this crap feeling go away?

How many times have I tried to explain these answers to people but I have never understood them?  I think it is pretty crazy that this is all happening.  What is so frustrating about this is I ask these question, and even if they are answered my heart doesn’t change.  I still have the holes and the questions and unknowing of all of this.  Why be Christian if it never seems to work for a person after two years?  People may say I have changed, but have i?  Have I really taken a step back and look at the person who I was and the person I am today and compared them?   What looks different?  It seems nothing just a glorified use to be me. 

Let me know what you think….give me the whole truth and don’t just think it be brutal…I can’t spell…

1st one, woot!

This is the first one of these so I just wanted to try this out!  People are getting things off there chest, getting things off their mind.  Here it is we are going to try and do this.  There will be more to come.  I am going to gather notes from camp and just get it out so people can see where growth was and see where work needs to be made. 

Peace out
Chase