Here is the deal; I am at a point where I just don’t know what to feel. I happy to have great friends, discouraged with school, frustrated with the fact that I don’t know what to do with my life, heartbroken with the fact I can’t seem to find steady ground with God and everyone else seems to have it all together.
Why is it that I have one of these icky feelings about once a month? What am I not doing right? Why does it when I think about the relationships around me they feel like they are crumbling? I sit here, lay in bed, sit in class tossing these questions around, and they all come to one thing, I don’t love God like I should.
I should be giving him every part of me, but for some reason I, the selfish part of me, wants to keep it and not give it away. Is it because I feel good when I have this? Is it because it is comfortable? When I give it up it is going to be difficult? But when I do let it go, my life will be a million times better, so why don’t I just let it go? I don’t understand.
Getting into the word everyday seems to be more of a chore than an enjoyment. Why is this? Why don’t I EVER get satisfaction from this? I try to get motivated I try to understand what He is trying to teach me but I never do. I try to pray for want to read, but does it ever come? NO! Praying is another thing, why does it seem to NEVER work? If I feel that I put my heart in it and I don’t ever get an answer why should I put any effort into doing any of this? If I am wanting Jesus to change me, then why isn’t it happening? Why am I not seeing I?
Right now I feel more that I am a person that likes the people that are Christians, like the comfort of friendships in the Christian family, like the benefits of being a Christian, but for some reason when it comes to the work and realizations of something’s I back off. What I am getting at here is sometimes I feel that I am not saved. I might have said I believe in the wonderfulness of Jesus and might have been baptized, but am I really saved and going to see Jesus when I die?
This really has bugged me today. When I was at bible study, when I was hanging out with a good friend, when I didn’t want to read but knew that I should have. I put everything in front of Jesus. If I did tonight what is saying that he isn’t putting everything in front of me? Why should he let me in? Because of the fact that I have done deeds that is the key to letting me in? I have spit, yelled, screwed Jesus over so many times is this next time the one time he finally says “ok well I am finally done with you?” Does making me scared about this punch my ticket to heaven, the fact that I am scared that Jesus might not let me in enforce the fact that I believe and I get in, but what about ALL the times I have personally hammered the nails into his hands?
I have worked at camp for two years and told kids all you have to do is ask for forgiveness and everything will be ok. How can I say that and then not do it. I feel that what I have on my chest is to big and to obnoxious for Jesus to handle and I will just do it on my own, but every time I do that I fail. So why the hell do I keep doing this? What is the catch? How do I make this crap feeling go away?
How many times have I tried to explain these answers to people but I have never understood them? I think it is pretty crazy that this is all happening. What is so frustrating about this is I ask these question, and even if they are answered my heart doesn’t change. I still have the holes and the questions and unknowing of all of this. Why be Christian if it never seems to work for a person after two years? People may say I have changed, but have i? Have I really taken a step back and look at the person who I was and the person I am today and compared them? What looks different? It seems nothing just a glorified use to be me.
Let me know what you think….give me the whole truth and don’t just think it be brutal…I can’t spell…
