I am a fighter!

I am laying here in my bed just thinking. Wide awake millions of things just flying through my mind. What I need to do tomorrow, what needs to be done for class, what can I do for PBL. Just tons of things. One of the major things going through my mind is sin weighing on my heart.

I am laying here awake thinking about all the terrible things I have done just in the past few days, yet I am fighting myself to ask for forgiveness. I am fighting the fact this needs to be done. Asking for forgiveness is a major part of being a Christian. Letting God into those long aisles of filing cabinets and asking for him to forgive me for all the bad things I have done and keep doing.

As I lay here in bed I am fighting the urge to get up and read my bible. I am just saying no, these feelings will pass and you will be fine. Here is the deal, I am not ok with this. I don’t understand why in the world I go back to the spot I am in. I always say I am sick of this on and off Christian that I am, but with out fail I go back to the fighting way. Fighting off good Christian friends, fighting off the bible, fighting off praying, going to church, listening to music. I fight off all of those people because I go back to the same old self.

This year I want this to be different. I don’t know how to do this. Do I have what it takes to fight off the urges to go back to this empty life that seems great. Can I fight off, the Chase that fights off everything? The right answer is no, God can. I am not talking about that I understand that he can but can I put my mind into a spot where this is actually going to happen or am I just going to fall into the mundane trap? I want to say no I will fight for the good, but will I really do this?

When push comes to shove I am pretty sick of fighting the wrong urges. I am sick of fighting the want to read my bible and I want the fight to battle sin. I guess this will only come with time. This will come with talking to people, talking to God, reading my bible. Understanding what the right mind set must be.

I guess here goes nothing time to fight for what needs to be fought for.

This is what is up!

I haven’t blogged for a long time but I have decided to put this out there for the whole world to read.  Why not you know?  To start this off the truth must come out.  The relationship with God and I hasn’t been the best lately.  Since about mid February I have been just going through life.  Nothing exciting, nothing to really live for.

I don’t blame this on anything, or anyone but myself.  When I feel like I am not going to do something, I am not going to do it.  Relationship with God, is a perfect example.   I felt that I didn’t want to or need to do anything to make the relationship keep going.  I pushed myself away from people that I cared for this to happen.  I surrounded my self with earthly things to make sure.  I pushed my small group away, I pushed my mentor away, I pushed one of my real good friends away because of the fact that I didn’t want to put the effort into this. 

            What sucks is the fact that I have been walking around campus with fake friendships, fake personality, just a fake me.  I am pretty sure not one ever figured it out because of the fact that no one ever asked.  Therefore, I succeeded in pushing God away, pushing people away, pushing anything to live fore and then filling it with negative and disgusting things.  Beer, work, chew, disgusting habits that I know that need to change. 

            Then one night after work just 3 days ago I finally decided to pick up God’s word.  The first time in how many months and I turned to Luke chapter 13.  Another precursor to this is that while I never said I don’t believe in  God or I hate Him or ever said no to him,  I always knew in the back of my mind that he is a powerful God, and I was scared so badly because of this.  Ok so I open up to Luke.

            This is what was the sub-title “Repent or Perish”.  I was shocked, fearful, excited, and strangely renewed.  Luke 13:6-9 “A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard, and he went to look for fruit on it, but didn’t find any.  So he said to the man, who took care of the vineyard.  For three years now I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any.  Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil? Sir the man replied leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it.  If it bears no fruit next year fine!  If not, then cut it down.  

            This is pretty monumental to me, because of the fact that I have been a “Christian”. If I had to asses me, I feel that the fruit that I have produced has been little to none.  HELLO WAKE UP CALL!  I feel that this is where I need to step up.  I don’t know how or where, but the fact that I need to is huge.  This is not all I keep reading and this is the same chapter that Jesus says about the fact that the door is slim.  It is small and some of you that you feel have made it through the door will be standing out side looking in.  HELLO AGAIN!  Look at me saying I am a Christ lover, but not reading, not talking to him, not showing who I really am!  How in the world do I think I am in?  Where do I get off saying I am in when I haven’t shown the true me, for a very long time.

            The truth comes out.  I LOVE JESUS!  I am going to work harder, I am going to read more, talk to Jesus more!  I want people in my life again!  I want people to understand who I am!  I want the world to know that God has changed me.  Some ask how he has changed me, all I have to say is look at the person before camp and then look at me now after.  Seems to be like two different people to me.  Also, I want to indulge in conversations!  I want to discuss what HE has done for us.  HE sent his son to DIE for me, for you, for the kid starving on the street.  I yearn for something more!  JESUS I WANT YOU!

           

  

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Right in the beginning we see that they girl in the red hair doesn't know her steps.  In skid row we see jermey mess up on the words because he doesn't know the words.   We see many levels.  the main people are overpowering the singer in the first skid row song.

There is a major whole in his crotch!